446 Cdo/221 lbs/97 Core
I did do a little bit of thinking today, and here’s what I’ve come up with:
This past year has been like being on a barge heading towards a waterfall, a slow but sure progress in a direction I really didn’t want to be headed in. Even though I knew I was going somewhere promising an absolutely horrible outcome. Maybe I let the boat go along with the current because it’s easier to sit out on the deck with a cocktail, watching the world drift by, but there are other factors.
I not quite sure how to work the pain and hopelessness part of the journey into the whole barge metaphor, but maybe it’s this: The barge is a little rickety, a bit of a fixer-upper, so that while it’s drifting downstream towards that waterfall, I focus on the rickety. Maybe I’m constantly heading below because I think a leak may have sprung, or the load has shifted and the barge is about to tip into the water. I become very focused about keeping an even keel and lose sight of where I’m going. And then I’m so exhausted I spend more and more time recuperating up on deck, letting the barge keep drifting with the current.
I feel like I have broken out of my stupor and I’m turning the barge around, but It’s a heavy, slow moving vessel now moving against the current. I can try to push the barge, or I can refashion it – maybe first into rowboat, then a canoe and finally into a slick little kyack. You know, something fun and zippy, light and mobile. That sounds pretty good to me.