I’ve slid so far back. The best way to quantify it is to say “30 pounds”. Coach is right – sort of – I’ve undone, physically, all I had achieved.
Coach is also right about another thing. I have to find something I have a passion for. Lately, Dylan’s song, “ServeSomebody” has been echoing in my brain. I don’t take it religiously, more that I need to connect. That I must connect with things, people that aren’t me.
So. An update. My dirty-flirty nearly erupted. For me at least. AND, I received my first dick pics! Yikes! But, he runs true to form. Flirtation from afar. And fear not! My pics are all on FB, sunsets, flowers beaches. And. I’m done. In a very good way. I was ready to go. Fuck buddies. Roommates with benefits. But DF is all talk ( and pics) and no trousers (action).
This is my takeaway. My sexuality, sexual energy, is far from dead. My willingness to have an adventure, take a chance, also has a pulse. But, big butt, is my willingness to accept bullshit. Done. Over. Bullshit detector intact. I offered DF honesty and openness. And sex. He is all about the game. For whatever reasons he has; I don’t feel compelled to figure that out. Not my problem.
And so. Now what? Well. I haven’t suddenly found my “something/someone” to serve. Instead, I’m making lists. Of what I want my life to be. What I want to do, to wear, to see, to experience. This may sound weird. I want to sew. Really well. Like I want to design my own bras. And travel.
And I like being a research analyst. The analyzing, the pulling data together. I like being good at something.
And I’m tired of being fat.